Sunday, June 8, 2014

Notes From My Personal Life #40: Feelings

How do you priorities.

   I've forgotten how to school.

 I'm slowly adapting to the pace of things though I'm still trying to iron out on managing my time. It's conflicting: I'm studying and doing research in between classes. And in the back of my mind, I wonder if placing my relationships in the backseat is worth it. And then when I'm with family or friends, I'm thinking of all the readings and recitations I have to prepare for. I feel dejected in both worlds but perhaps because I am my own worst critic.

 I do understand the value of education and I'd like nothing more than to graduate, armed with mental tools and capabilities that can help me critique, appreciate, and contribute in this life. But I also feel bad when my mom wants us to spend time together as a family and I really can't participate. Or I have to say no to old friends who just want a few hours of my time. It is normal for one's social life to fluctuate and maybe even be virtually non-existent at a certain time period but honestly, I can say my youth is more meaningful with memories to share and experiences to recount than knowing how to identify the variances of Realism or the history of international trade. My only comfort right now is that I only have a couple of terms left in school so maybe by then these 2 worlds would've reached some sort of compromise.

Not giving time in fear of losing time. How ironic.


   Watched The Fault In Our Stars yesterday. I personally still prefer the book (read: my opinion is biased LOL) but I am glad the film has stayed true to the essence of what TFIOS is about.



The dude who plays Isaac is fooooiiine.


    While in school, my mom asked me (via text) if I could accompany her to her errands. I replied, saying that I'll accompany her but only until 2pm because I have a date with a certain gentleman. Even through text, I could feel her enormously intimidating presence when she replied, "nanliligaw ba yan o boypren mo na??"

 The perks of being a favorite child.

  Of course, her main concern was a.) I'd be distracted from my academics because I'm delayed enough as it is  and b.) that I'll probably entertain the thought of "us-against-the-world" and elope to a far, far away place. Okay, the latter isn't a thing but my mom is a bit of a drama queen when it comes to these things. And her reaction is understandable, given her own history in her own relationships and the present circumstances. Naturally, I assured her that school is still a priority and that the poor gentleman will have to suffer first to prove himself.

 We had a heart-to-heart conversation through text to clarify with each other about priorities and relationships. It is bittersweet that I want to give my parents the world for all the sacrifices they've made and yet all they want from me is that I gain a stable career and a stable future. Which is funny because all my life, the future has always been unstable (especially the timeline between 2007 and 2013) and I've almost grown used to the presence of Uncertainty. Living with uncertainty to a degree has made me take more risks, artistic-wise. I can't guarantee my parents about working to a life of stability, but I will show them my gratitude through love and hard work.


    It bewilders me sometimes

  that I can be this electric,


 incandescently satisfied,

and achingly happy

in your presence.

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